Girlfriend wants 'space'. How do I handle this?

[scottpatterson]

Hi everyone

I'm new here so hope you can offer me some of your insight.

I've been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much 'pressure'.

I realised she didn't have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist - she became much better - all with good results and on new meds. Sunsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.

As I'm sure you know too well - there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not 'right' as such and sometimes - as she put it - her brain 'wasn't right'. During this period she would start to question many things in her life - sometimes including me - however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.

Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She suddenly wanted some reassurances from me regarding what we want for the future - inparticular moving in together, getting married and having kids. I told her that 'yes' - these are still all on the cards (a lot of these emotions were triggered by her going to a girlfriend's wedding, having her 38th birthday and her grandmother becoming ill - all quite understandable).

When talking to her about all of these though - I could see she was having trouble processing it all. She kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her 'head would stop', that she 'hates this feeling' and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now - is not a good sign...

Two days later - more questions regarding the above - again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn't good again - I asked if she had any doubts about us and she said 'no, - why - should I? That will make me think about them now'.

That night she didn't want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.

The next night I went and saw her and again - she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide - although she told me she'd never do that again.

Again - she was banging her head - and shaking it - saying she 'had all these thoughts trying to get to the front'.

She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn't want to see me that morning - but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn't been to sleep - went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she 'needed to think'.

When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break - and that she 'needed space'. She also said she loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. She's also continually bringing up that I don't love her or find her attractive anymore etc.

We discussed all this calmly but she said she 'wished her head would stop'.

I asked her to please see her psychiatrist as it's been over six months.

I have given her the space she asked for and haven't contacted her for three days.

This was a girl who I saw and spoke to every day - and now - nothing.

Any thoughts on what is going on? Am I handling this the right way? Is there any danger in leaving her alone now?

Thanks for any kind help - I 'd really appreciate it.

Regards Scott

[Bruce]

hi scott, welcome to the forums.
the whole guy/girl thing i dont really have advice on, the bipolar side of things really really sounds like she could do with a bit of a visit to the (bloody) shrink, if only because the meds dont sound like they're doing what they're supposed to be doing i.e. sleeping excessively, not sleeping, driving long distances at 2am, showing you her scars.e.t.c.
 
i see my psych. every 3 months for a "reality check" but i'm only 18mths into my diagnosis so i dont know if this is normal or not in your/your girlfriends situation.

but to sum up, thats what i'm hearing..it sucks but "give the shrink a go" they are there to help us.

anyone else got an angle on this?

[downunder]

Hey folks, am trying to crawl back after tough few weeks, sincerely sorry.

  Scott, no one can truly give you advice as no one really does know what is going on in both your situations except yourselves.
  However, in saying that, firstly, never expect your partner to be "normal" all the time, even "normal" people are not.
  Your Lady has an illness and has had the common sense to inform you of that, maybe she just needs to know you can ride the tough times as well as the good. She is probably terribly scared of committing long term.
  Patience in any relationship is essential, even more in some cases, and never keep score! If something happens, be prepared to forget, no one is faultless.
  Be there, even from a distance, to make sure she doesn't hurt herself, and be prepared to find the help if needed, and I mean be prepared now, if you have the same responses as me from ALL support services, that means you will be totally ignored. They may sign you up, promise support, but willl never deliver.

As for the glassy eye stuff, could be just from going back on meds, it does take some time for the meds to build up in ones system and start to work, and Doc's can tend to overmedicate at first.

From what you describes it sounds like she may have freaked out at a serious relationship which means she really cares, don't give up but don't push yourself ontop her.

One couple I have had immense respect for, for many years go through times every now and then when one of them goes Bipolar and moves out, gets a flat looks, talks, acts, even stands differently, tells the Police her hubby has been abusing her to keep him away, if you knew who these people were it would shock you in disbelief for their public standing, I love them both and respect them fully as they always ride it out, it is the sickness.

Hope that helps

[charliemaree]

Scott, im only new on here myself so im only going to share my insight with you. I have had 1 marriage breakdown that ended in divorce through my "scitzo" behaviour. In essence my ex husband and I were very young, maybe too young and he was to me only a "boy". What I found that I needed was a man that could protect me. I several years later met and fell in love with a man 18 years my senior and we have a very unconventional relationship now to say the very least. We have both had a lot of medical strains that would have ended many peoples relationships twice over but we have both perserveered. We both still love each other very much but we dont "live" together. We live on the same property and we eat most of our meals together but I have my own room and space and he has his. At the moment i am living in a caravan outside, still on the property but i come out here when i start to cycle either up or down. My mate is still on the property to keep an eye on me but i have all the space that i need to cope. If i dont want to go to bed until 4am and sit up and watch movies all night i can, there is no pressure. If i need to lay in bed all day and read books then i can. If i cant be bothered cleaning up or doing the dishes then I can and the impact is not so great on my mate. Sure he still worries but he knows that he can stick his head in the door from time to time and see that im still breathing. The main thing that we get across to each other and its only been through various physcs that we have achieved this is to know that whatever happens we still love each other unconditionally. The main thing that i needed my mate to process and deal with was just because i needed my space, i wasnt shunning him, i was protecting him from seeing me at my worst. Now when i say to him, im going to the van or i dont feel right i dont think my meds are working then he backs off and gives me the time and space to deal with it. Im sure that your girlfriend still loves you but maybe like me she doesnt want you to see her at her absolute worst.

[melje]

Scott, I have schizoaffective disorder and my hubby has bi-polar. He was diagnosed approx 9 - 10 years ago and is unmedicated while I am a newly diagnosed and medicated. We have had lots of ups and downs, even seperating at one point. When my hubby goes 'up' he tends to get 'attached' or 'obsessed' with another female. As you can imagine this causes a LOT of probs. Add 2 kids in the mix and we are just one big scary ball of fun, NOT!!
 We still love each other though, or I do at the moment, he doen't know what or who he wants.
 You're situation is hard and scary at the moment. You need to be there for her, either by phone or on her doorstep. Even if she tells you she doesn't want you there. Be prepared to involuntarily admit her if needed, she will not thank you, but it may be needed.
Lots of luck pal, let us know how it goes. Melje