what else are you diagnosed with?

[sandym]

Hi everyone !

Ok, first question is, does the chicken come before the egg hey ?

I have many "maladaptive behaviours" - wouldn't know where to start...

I seem to have the lot. Does one provoke the other, I don't know..

When I was young I searched for any way to either block out pain or
fill the void within, and it's an ingrained protective measure I've learnt
over the years.

Yes I use alcohol ( a lot ) and smoke dope when it's on offer. I have
never taken harder drugs - precisely because I know I would probably
like it too much.  I have a very addictive personality.  I also like
gambling and like with anything once I start, I cannot stop.

Fortunately, I was diagnosed when I was doing all those things in excess,
to be bipolar. There is definately a link in how we all self-medicate.

None of these learned behaviours disappear overnight, but
I have knowledge on my side and I confront each day with hope.
It's not easy to have several issues to deal with, is it ?

[becness]

None of these learned behaviours disappear overnight, but
I have knowledge on my side and I confront each day with hope.
It's not easy to have several issues to deal with, is it ?

most definitely not!

i'm lucky in that i somehow managed to swap alcohol/occasional drug use for a full on mega caffeine and nicotine habit.

mind you they will probably kill me quicker than alcohol and the occasional joint would, but at least i'm not a raging alcoholic.  how i avoided that, i have no idea, especially since i'm incredibly self destructive so could have quite happily drank myself to death.

[sandym]

Hi Bec,

Thanks for being non judgemental - after I re-read my post I was a little apprehensive I might be reprimanded lol !

Yeah - I've got the nicotine habit going too, but not the caffeine.  Ciggies are next on my list to do away with.

Now that I understand myself more with the bp diagnosis I am aware of how I look to mood changing things to have control over how I feel.
In the past it was the only way I knew how to feel better. I can look back now and say to myself ok - that's why.  It's very common for bp's to exhibit addictive behaviour I now know. But having that knowledge now, it's my responsibility to be mindful every day.

In the past year I have stopped gambling completely. I have a new rule to only drink socially - like when I go out once a fortnight. ( I used to drink at home by myself during the day). I never purchase dope anymore, but don't see any harm in having a puff from time to time. I'm keenly aware of my tendancy to overdo things - like I'm a bottomless pit. Enough is never enough for me.

I struggle often - especially when I'm manic - to not abuse things. Some people seek out another pill - I seek a glass of wine - 30 yr old habits die hard. But I'm not doing anything to muck up my stability now - I never want to go back to a pysch ward hey !.

I guess I was being brutally honest because I know there are others who maybe read and struggle with similar issues and might find a certain solidarity in this respect.  There is no blame or shame, we're all doing the best we can, and the journey continues !

Take Care
Sandy

[melje]

No blame or shame Sandym. My dad has depression and is alcoholic and I was told that there is a tendency for these things to be inherited. I have schizoaffective and have a hard drug history. I hope my kids turn out alright. Melje 

[becness]

Thanks for being non judgemental - after I re-read my post I was a little apprehensive I might be reprimanded lol !
 
I guess I was being brutally honest because I know there are others who maybe read and struggle with similar issues and might find a certain solidarity in this respect.  There is no blame or shame, we're all doing the best we can, and the journey continues !

sandy... as IF!!! this forum is all ABOUT honesty and NOT being judged!  my only rules regarding content is that people don't post anything that's racist, sexist etc etc. the main aim of this group is to have a free, SAFE place for people to talk about whatever they want.

the only time i'd delete posts or ban someone about stuff like this is if someone had a go at you for being honest.

personally, i am honoured you feel safe enough to say things like that.  i am also giving you mega kudos for talk about it, because it's not an easy thing to talk about. so you must have incredible courage to do it

and i had issues with alcohol and drugs.  i'm also completely addicted to caffeine and nicotine.  and i was addicted to self injury for a very, very long time.  so yes, i do understand where you are coming from!

xoxo

[sandym]

Hi,

Thanks for your replies becness & melje,

Yep - my rehab was full of people with bp/schiz disorders - I had no idea before how susceptable we are to addictions (before diagnosis)
It was such a relief to be amongst kindreds. I felt so at home - I almost didn't want to leave lol  (this was 5 yrs ago).

It is quite well known how these tendencies can be heredity - and yes I come from a very long line of alcoholics/addicts and gamblers - both my parents were and their own parents and siblings died from it as well.

I pray the buck stops with me and that my own children are spared of this "disease". They're still young but I will always be on the lookout for it - especially with my middle son who has Aspergers Syndrome. I guess I will always be watchful of bp too - it's only natural hey.

I have let go of any "guilt" and accept my vulnerability. If I had continued down that path after realizing what was going on then yeah sure - point the finger, but as soon as I became aware I took responsibility. Oh and no - I'm not miss perfect - if you happen to meet her tell her I said hello !

Bec - I have known a few ladies who self harm, and I believe that can be an addiction in itself, like anorexia or bulimia. I'd be interested to hear how you managed to recover.  Has there been any temptation recently during all your hard study and exam times - as a relief ?.

Melje - how old are your kids ?

A bientot
Sandy

[melje]

Sandy,
My feral boys are 12 and 9 going on 24 - both of them. They have grown up being aware of and understanding of mental illness, their dad was diagnosed approx 10 years ago. They are pretty special though, even coming from me. How old are your kids? When was your middle boy diagnosed? My sister-in-law has Asperger's, we think. It seems to be an offshoot of BP. I mean, when a family has BP in it there is a tendency for Aspergers to appear. How many kids do you have?Melje

[sandym]

Hi - yep that full moon has got me yet again so I'm up later than usual.

Melje - we have more than one thing in common !  My eldest boy is 12 too - and yes teenagehood is happening help !, my middle son -the one with Aspergers is 9, then my twins (boy/girl) are 8.  Yes a suprise package from a one night stand with my ex lol !

Daniel was diagnosed when he was 3 yrs old and it has been one hell of a ride with him. It's only this last year that he has made (1) friend and has stopped being so violent towards his siblings. I worry a lot about how he will cope with adolescence.

It's possible I guess that he may have bp too, I don't know, but I can assure you that we have a special understanding between each other, that others (the other kids, my ex, his friends etc) just don't get - we connect on a level that is hard to explain. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a spiritual guru and I almost forget that I'm the adult here, he's so wise. But we "know" each other so well, and no matter how dark his darkness is he knows that he is safe to share it with me because I experience the same things, and it only takes one look to predict each others' mood.

I so wish my own parents hadn't died so early because I'd love to ask more questions about the family history. I only have the statistics that 80% of my family died from addictions - and I honestly reckon most of that was because of undiagnosed bp or other disorders. I am convinced my mother was bp - but in those days they just chucked valium at everyone and never looked further.

So, yes, I speak openly and honestly with my kids about mental illnesses and they are all both aware and understanding of me and Daniel. No one chooses to get diabetes, and no one chooses to have disorders, it's not a character defiency, it just is so.
Saying that I am keenly aware to teach him the social skills he needs, no copping out, no excuses to not fulfill his potential and be happy, no giving up (as he did for 6 yrs in not speaking to anyone). like I did as a teenager.
Nope, I will not, and will try my best for him not to take on any bullshit from naive people, and we go forward strides with pride every day !

A demain
Sandy

[becness]

hi sandy,

nope, no temptation whatsoever.  i think i self injured for around 14 years?  it was a ridiculously long time, and i started young (age 11).  i've been SI free for nearly 3 years now (go me!!) and the first year was DEFINITELY the hardest. i thought about it CONSTANTLY.  hardest thing i've ever given up and probably ever will give up.  my mindset now is completely different to what it was when i was injuring.  back then i was in a horrible place - there is rock bottom, then there is molten rock under that.. i was well below that.  i didn't want to live, i didn't think i was "worthy" of living and i thought i would spend my life like that.  but slowly worked out all those feelings.  i haven't thought about it at all really since i started my cert iv last year.  maybe i was too busy? lol.  nah, for me that was a MAJOR thing.  i was finally doing what i wanted, taking control of my life, and wanting to shove it up everybody who told me i couldn't do it.  that focus, along with really good grades, helped me learn to live again and to think of things differently.  then i (finally) got together with adrian and got back into music which was always an outlet for me.  especially now!  as soon as i get stressed i turn into a whinging little child demanding her flute and sheet music LOL!!!  if i'm angry, same thing.  i previously lacked a healthy outlet (though i was doing music, but not enough).  now i have that, along with focus, goals, and an amazing support network so i don't need that "clutch" there.  plus i rarely feel so low that i crave or need the endorphine rush it gives.

addictions are also common with people with borderline personality disorder.  i've had two people in my life, both very close to me who have it and both of them struggled with alcohol addiction.  one of them has also had addictions to gambling and drugs and had problems with eating disorders too.  BPD is very similar in some respects to bipolar so there has to be a connection there somewhere!

as for the heredity thing, just to get all scientific on your butt: just cos you have the gene, doesn't mean it will present itself.  if you want to speak purely in a genetic sense, if it is heredity and the other parent doesn't have it then there is only a 25-50% chance of it developing. if the other parent does have it, it's still only a 50% chance generally.  there is also the psychological 'nature verses nurture' debate.  you can be given a "gambling gene" but because you are "nurtured" in the right way, it won't ever present. from the sounds of things you won't have to worry about your children, since you have that awareness there of it

my opinion is that guilt is a waste of time.  take responsibility (as you have done) but there is no point in spending your life stressing over the past.  easier said than done!  but still, you know what i mean

[becness]

ok just to jump on the "music is my life" bandwagon again.... (sorry guys!!!!)

have you tried daniel with music, sandy? or would you consider it when he's a bit older?  i only ask because one of the girls in concert band has aspergers and it helped her a lot.  she was able to find that outlet she needed and it helped her relax too.  once she started playing in groups, like concert band, she was also able to develop her social skills.  all she needed was a patient teacher.  i have no idea what state you are in, but if you are in victoria and you ever are interested i could recommend someone good.  or i could teach him, depending on what he'd be into.  adrian and i can pretty much play an entire orchestra worth of instruments so what i can't do, he can.

[melje]

With my sister-in-law, it's horses. She buys them young, raises them, breaks them in and tries to keep them instead of selling them. She does get rid of one occasionally. It does wonders with her. Keeps her calm, in routine and looking toward a future.
How did you explain mental illness to your kids? My boys have grown up accepting their fathers moods and are very understanding, but it is different when mum's off her rocker. They can't accept that its happening to mum, mainly the psychosis. Though they think it's funny when I talk to myself.
Your middle boy is about the right age to get assessed for BP. If you could get him on the right meds early it increases his chances of staying medicated, not coming off them when he 'feels right'. Melje

[Bruce]

well...in 1992, when i had my first batshit episode(age 20) the hospital boffins labeled it a "drug induced paranoid psychosis with schitzoidal tendancies" fun times! stuck me on chlorpromazine and sent me off to a shrink for a fortnightly visit for six months.   

doctor: "hows everything?"
me:"fine"
doctor:"off you go then"
 repeat fortnightly for six months

two yrs ago exactly the same set of symptoms and they said "nope, your actually bipolar" 

[becness]

oh sometimes i so hate doctors..

mine was
him: how are you?
me: i want to take to the entire 3030 postcode with weapons of mass destruction, napalm and fire!
him: mmmhmm. and how is your lithium?
me: its FUCKED is what it is!!
him: mmmhmm. see you in a month

EVERYTHING. no matter what it was it was "mmmhmm".  i could have told him i was going to stab him and he probably woulda said the same thing.

it's kinda sad, but he was the best shrink i've had.  how dodgy is that?

[melje]

oh wow, Im so lucky! My shrink looks a bit like your favourite grandfather, has a wicked sense of humour, and actually listens to what you say and minimises dramas while making you feel validated. Oh and he doesn't mind if you swear or tell him you want to stab him, he just keeps rolling on.

[becness]

i want your shrink!!!