About 2 months into my diagnosis

[downunder]

 This board was meant to be to provide some information that may help the newly diagnosed understand what they may be going through, and how their illness has effected them. As a newly diagnosed Bipolar sufferer myself, I find I am going through many changes now through being medicated.
 I think I must be coming to the end of my "Honeymoon" period now as the relief of knowing the truth finally is wearing off, but that's not a bad thing, just a part of the "new me"
 The meds have taken a fair bit from me, I know I am a bit slower, I know the fatigue I suffer from another illness is much worse, but then there is much that is better already.
 6 months ago I was ready to have myself admitted thinking I had alzheimers, by the time I got in the car and turned the ignition I had forgotten where I was going, for many years I have been trying to get my head around HTML and PHP scripting, now things that had me totally stumped are making sense and even better is that every time I tried to do something a second time, I had forgotten and had to learn all over again, my short term memory is improving every day.
 In knowing that I also now understand why I wasn't able to complete High School, and wish my illness had been discovered then over 30 years ago, and why I could get so far in my jobs only to fall apart.
 I do feel scared and lonely even though I have family around me, the family I have carries massive responsibility and I know even though I need my time, they still need my help, I am scared of what my illness will bring, scared of what damage the meds will cause me long term, but more scared of going back to before, so I hope this will be here to remind me if I ever get the urge to try going off the meds as I see some do.

[Russell]

Dear Downunder.  I hope my experiences might help.

Diagnosed 6 years ago with bipolar, ADHD, depression and anxiety disorder my initial reaction was a cocktail.  Disbelief, relief, concern, apprehension. It all made sense for once....all those behavior problems...there was a reason. Then 4 years later and having tried many medications ALL of which I found to be far too strong, it was my own realisation that I was mild in all 4 diagnoses. So mild in fact that I stopped medication altogether and used whatever strength my mind could muster to get me through life. So I am one of the lucky ones in this regard but I still struggle.  My post is meant to pass onto you and others a message of hope and positivity. How? Well this is my theory....

Firstly get you medication right whatever it might be.

Life is made up of positives and negatives. Whatever we face, whatever we do, there are positives and negatives.  I decided, following a motivational speech I sat in on in 1983, that I would be a half glass full person. But to make that decision simply pointed me in that general direction...the hard work would follow.  Now, 26 years alter I am still struggling but I am still pointed towards positivity and I will NEVER (damn it) face the other way. Please stay with me here.

There is usually something you can convince yourself of to turn a negative into a positive. My diagnosis told me that without my illnesses I would not be able to write compelling poetry full of high emotion (for example). Such poetry has eventually found recipients that have lost loved ones (through murder/suicide etc) so to help them cope. These poor souls returned their appreciations with love and life long friendships. A cycle was created through assertiveness on my part, new friendships found  which helped me!.

So thats the theory but how effective is it? Very effective but it is only one tool to use for your means to survive. There are others of course, a supportive carer, an understanding family, a decision making process to rid yourself of negative and at times destructive humans from your life and so on. Even locking youself away might be a positive for some. It might appear a negative but its a positive if it makes them feel better and stronger.

One thing I programmed myself to do early on was to accept that my life would always be a roller coaster, up one month down the next. To establish a pattern one can then often predict how long I would be in the down mode. Then I can look forward to the period I will recover and become hypo and smile again. So in effect I turn a negative into a positive.....the negative of being down is you know you can only go one way- back up. It soothes me.

An example is below written when someone accused me of having done silly things when I was a teenager...


THE CUPBOARD


They ponder they do
Some but we don’t know who
For it in their own head they ask
How could all those guilty
      Hide so many skeletons
      In their cupboard?

They check their own wardrobe
It bare, no skeleton, they sigh with relief
While they ask they not aware
As they get dressed for another day
Put clothes upon their own skeleton
      They carry around with them
         -all the damn time……



Try facing towards the positive...and cement your feet!   regards

[downunder]

Hi Russell,
Sincerest thanks for your post, you have found the way to speak from your soul that I have always struggled with, and I am learning now how the Bipolar has made that so dificult for me, you have reflected my own feelings in what you have written, and at the same time maybe even let me trust a bit more I am where I can feel part of a group instead of keeping apart. I have suspected my illness since teens and am now 49 so I do know what you mean by the strength needed for self management.
I won't write too much more here as this board should be kept to topic so we can all come here and learn from each other the extent our illness effects us, I do hope to get to know you better in time though Russell, I am still sticking to "baby steps"

[Russell]

Downunder- sorry if I ramble on!

Just because you have had difficulties in expression doesnt make you inferior to the likes of a poet and talker like me.  YOU are just as unique. You are just as special. You are just as worthy of a stable and joyful life.

A friend of mine was taking a blood pressure tablet daily.  After diagnosis and further health problems she fell in heap.  I asked her..."Why are you sad" She replied- "Because I am taking 8 tablets a day".  I asked her what did quantity have to do with it.  Eventually she realised that taking 8 tablets is not much different than taking one tablet. She just had to adjust. Sounds easy eh. For some the most minor change is a barrier and sometimes it only takes a comment from a caring person to turn it around. It isnt easy accepting a diagnosis for mental illness/es. It isnt easy learning about medication and adjusting it to find the 'balance'. But in the last few years the number of people I have met that I reckon they have symptoms not unlike mine but have never been diagnosed and would reject any thought of such a possibility is staggering. 

You and I are two that have ACKNOWLEDGED our limitations....that makes us half way there my friend.

Please remember a few things mate:.  At 49 years old, with all your struggles of the past....you made it.  You survived. You had the courage to seek help, even to post your original topic.  You have guts mate. You should not have regrets over the past and "how it could have been" but to focus on the many years left that you might enjoy symptom free hopefully.  You said your family needs you.....to feel needed can be a positive because you are valued.  At 15 my daughter nursed my weeping face in her arms as I ly in a foetal ball.  At 20 she is now half way through uni to be a teacher. She needed me too. I needed her. That's what life should be like. You will be of value to your family....just at times they might need to acknowledge your limitations. 

I had been reading posts for 2 weeks as a new member.  My reply to you was my first post on this forum.  I think your replies is what this forum is about. Dont hold back. Be no less than yourself. I for one will accept you for who you are.

[downunder]

Pleased I was able to give you the motivation to make your first post here Russell, and don't worry about "raving on" at all, I see our ages are not far apart so you are probably like me in finding there is a totally different language today than our age group, too many tend to jump in with their interpretation of what they think you are trying to say, so we tend to try to cover all offshoots by explaining everything!
Feel free to correct me if wrong?